Divorce can seem to happen all at once to some people, but usually couples want to give their marriage every chance to work. Separation usually precedes divorce. No matter which side of the marriage you are on (team separate vs. team stay) you will feel a range of emotions and impulses. Adults generally don’t like to lose all sense of stability, so count on many of those feelings being negative. Nonetheless, taking key steps during separation can point you toward a future of a healthier relationship(s). Impulsive decisions, on the other hand, can worsen your relationship and have consequences for years. If you are newly separated, read these tips as the smoke clears and you are able to think clearly.
Focus on Your Own Well-being and Betterment
Being newly separated will likely be one of the most stressful events of your life. Your lifestyle will be in limbo, and planning for the future may seem impossible. For that reason, it can make you and your spouse act out of character and take desperate measures to “save the marriage,” reclaim independence, or exact revenge.
If you are newly separated (and not immediately seeking a divorce or fearing your safety), it is a good time to reevaluate what is missing in your life and what steps you could take to be happier with yourself irrespective of the marriage. Maybe you could go to yoga classes, log extra steps, or make an effort to visit an elderly family member once a week. You do not want to go about dismantling your marriage and ability to communicate with your spouse in the early shock of separation. Look toward the future positively, either improving the marriage or improving your life beyond it; take the long view.
Establish Open Communication About the Business Aspects of Married Life
Separation may begin in a huff, but it’s not just a race to file divorce papers. It should be about giving both of you space to evaluate the future deliberatively. Don’t put pressure on each other regarding the romance itself, but make sure you can talk about the family economy and shared responsibilities. Going through talks like this may liken honest discussion about getting back together or formalizing the separation without hostility. It is a good first step to dial down tensions.
How will expenses be handled with one of you away from the house? What nights will the kids need a babysitter? Who will feed the dogs? How long do you anticipate the current arrangement before discussing next steps—perhaps there is a time frame to establish? Build on the positive experience of behaving amicably on details amidst the larger disagreements. This will set a tone for either reconciliation or a less painful divorce process.
Set Boundaries
The whole point of separation is to have space. The odds are that one of you requires more space than the other right now. A conversation now to make boundaries clear can save a lot of arguing and hurt feelings. Avoid or watch out for examples like these of violating boundaries:
- Showing up unannounced
- Spending the night together or becoming physically intimate
- Scheduling a mutual obligation with friends without the knowledge of the other spouse
- Telling other people about the separation if you’ve agreed not to
- Talking to the other spouse’s parents or family about the relationship
- Attending the same event if you’ve agreed to coordinate otherwise
- Public displays or surprises
- Texting or calling after agreed upon hours
Violating boundaries can bring back old routines or heighten emotions to the point of distracting both of you from the bigger issues. A healthy response to separation is respecting boundaries and doing the tough work of assessing your role in the marriage discord. Further, living up to boundaries can help you rebuild trust.
Don’t Act Spitefully
Most of the things you would do to act spiteful will make good evidence for your spouse’s lawyer and could become a series of embarrassing court moments. For that matter, spiteful behavior increases the odds you’ll end up in court. Hurting your spouse emotionally hurts your chances for both reconciliation and an amicable divorce with fair terms. Here are some common examples of spiteful behavior to avoid:
- Draining assets (this will be addressed during discovery)
- Aggressive texts or emails
- Involving kids: preventing co-parenting, sending messages, talking about spouse to them
- Threats
- Spreading rumors or personal details
- Dating / having an affair
Do Not Start Dating (you are still legally married)
Referring back to the introduction, separation may rekindle feelings of being younger and single combined with the desire to feel independence from your spouse. You likely haven’t had to confront the intoxicating feeling of “rebounding” in years. Do not fall for it. Separation is not divorce, and you owe it to yourself to evaluate the marriage before you sabotage it entirely. The best policy is not to spend any time alone with anyone for whom you might develop feelings—and definitely don’t confide in new friends. It will take time to repair the marriage or to prepare for another stable relationship post-divorce. Refer back to tip one.
Additionally, dating or having an affair while separated may be used against you if your separation ends up in a divorce
If your trial separation escalates into talk of legal separation or divorce, make sure you have your own attorney. We would be glad to help you, just contact us to see how we can help.
